The beginnings of this year was filled with tears and heartaches, desiring to have a child of my own has been an ongoing desire for years. Maybe it's something inside that runs like clockwork, maybe it's the hormones that sends you brain signals, ....I have three young nephews, and out of the three, the other two are real handfuls. But I love them to bits, they are naughty but lovable in every way.
When my six months of fertility treatment didn't work, it was days of self pity and blaming everything else. I guess the one thing that pulled me through was believing I've always pulled through difficult times, knowing truly to name Him as God. I feel his amazing presence in all things I do, and knowing there's a reason to most things in life. It's just a matter of looking deep within our hearts.
Facing our inner truth is the most scariest things we could ever do. Having courage to step out of our fears into the unknown is a quality most of us still thirst for. I don't even know if I'm really and truly in my utmost truth, but I know at least I've faced some of my devilish and scariest parts of my life.
I looked into my relationships with loved ones, and where there were unhappiness, I addressed them with loving kindness and compassion. I didn't see any reason to be angry or bitter. I learn to trust the power within, and in heart, to courageously let go of things that were not meant to be in my travels in this life. I've learnt that if I truly loved myself, I could never hurt another. I saw myself in them, and I would want them to find as much peace and happiness as I would want them for myself.
The most important, the primordial relationship in your life is your relationship with the Now, or rather with whatever form the Now takes, that is to say, what is or what happens. If your relationship with the Now is dysfunctional, that dysfunction will be reflected in every relationship and every situation you encounter. The ego could be defined simply in this way: a dysfunctional relationship with the present moment. It is at this moment that you can decide what kind of relationship you want to have with the present moment.
" Do I want the present moment to be my friend or my enemy?" The present moment is inseparable from life, so you are really deciding what kind of relationship you want to have with life.
The last 6 months, they are my past and will also play more significance part of my future. The dreams and nightmares all come from a place of illusion that life is what it is, because we are all part of a big play on a stage. And how we decide to live our destiny is the big question, do I step out of the play and start my own quest of self truth or do I carry on with the tide and let it carry me where it wants to. Sometimes, you just got to throw yourself off the tangent to see what's on the other side. I definitely like to play. I definitely like to take risk to see what can be and not stroll along anymore to the what if's, and instead look into possibilities of the many things that can happen. Why not? We did them when we were kids, why should we stop now.
I remember these words, never be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin.
Two weeks ago, I was told I have polyarthritis. AND it's not an old person's disease, I just happened to have it. But it doesn't stop me from living my life the way I want to. Okay, I might not be able to do certain things but I'm still living freely, I'm still moving, I'm still breathing and I'm so lucky to be where I am, what I am and what I do. Like dearest Nicole S. always says "Super!!!!"
So, 2011...I bid 'adieu' to you, if I could hug you I would. You have given me oodles of love, joy, tears, heartaches, sadness, turmoils, adventures, new friends, old friends, old loves, new loves, breathtaking moments, crazy challenges...but I love you still, for teaching me so much. I greet 2012 with oodles of hope and peace for all to live in light and love.
"Faith allows us to trust in the present moment as we observe our part in the Divine plan" (N.J Devi)